Speaking on Lonliness

I have been asked to be the final speaker/facilitator for our post-college retreat this coming weekend. The retreat theme is "Good Relationship are No Accident". We have a star studded cast of speakers on Friday night and Saturday, then I get to wrap it up on Sunday. I am greatly humbled by this opportunity. Though most of my time has been outlined for me by my boss, I do have some opening moments for thoughts and a closing wrap-up. Since the whole weekend is about relationships I just keep thinking about what stops us from having them and what makes us disappointed in them once we do. My thoughts again and again go towards the grip loneliness has on people. How God hates for people to be alone. He created us for community. Though... you can still be lonely in community. In Blue Like Jazz (Clayton if you are reading this post, yes I still have your copy and will mail it to you eventually) there is a moment where one of Don Miller's friend is opening up to him about his marriage... about how even in marriage where he is best known to any other human being, there is still something missing that only God can fill.

"I'm saying there is stuff I can't tell her, not because I don't want to, but because there aren't words. It's like we are separate people and there is no getting inside each other to read each other's thoughts, each other's beings. Marriage is amazing because it is the most beautiful thing I have ever dreamed of, Don, but it isn't everything. It isn't Mecca. Danielle loves everything about me; she accepts me and tolerates me and encourages me. She knows me better than anybody else in the world, but she doesn't know all of me, and I don't know all of her. And I never thought after I got married there would still e something lacking. I always thought marriage, especially after I first met Danielle, would be the ultimate fulfillment. It is great, don't get me wrong, and I am glad I married Danielle, and I will be with her forever. But there are places in our lives that only God can go." (Blue Like Jazz pg. 146)

So many people (like myself) fear intimacy. Instead we shrink into loneliness. There is a false perception of safety there. God is love. Without loving and being loved... how can we truly know God? If we say we are His followers and want to do His will... we have to step through fear, and love. When we fill unloved, rejected, or abandoned... that is not from God. When we are not loving, reject, or abandon... that is us going against the will of God.

Please pray as I continue to process these thoughts. After I share we will go into a time of confession and communion. I pray that God will continue to shape my thoughts so that I can speak in love and those who come will leave with their love tanks overflowing.

Transitions

Life is full of transitions. Those are the hardest times and the times where you need the most love and prayer. There is actually an article on the right column about how important transitions are to singles ministry.

Our singles pastor will be leaving at the end of the month. The singles and post-college ministries find themselves flung into a time of transition. I ask for prayer. Here are the scripture verses I have been meditating on during this stressful time.

Phillipians 4:4-9
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Learnings From a Linkin Park Concert

It hit me Sunday night as I was in a crowd of thousands that I need to not just enjoy my night, but learn from it. So here are some observations and learnings from last night's Linkin Park concert:

1. People are weird! (There was quite a diverse crowd!!)
Learning: People come in all shapes and sizes. But once engaged, people are people. I spoke with some different people throughout the night. Some had had way too much to drink, others were just so excited about the concert, there was one couple (friends), who the girl just started to tell me about her boyfriend and the guy started to tell me about how left out he feels now that she has a boyfriend... it was crazy!! People want to be engaged and listened to. They want others to come along in their excitment and passion. No matter how many tats or piercings... they are still just people with the same needs and desires as I.

2. They do not sing the "clean" version of songs at the concerts
Learning: Though the f-bomb was flying... I personally saw more people connecting to the lyrics than the commentators. When I could understand what they were saying... I saw a common theme to the songs: a desire for acceptance and to be heard. One of the few songs I knew was "Somewhere I Belong"... what a sad song if you think about it.
3. People love to be heard. During the breaks they had a number you could text to and your message would appear on the screen. There were about 18 marriage proposals, a ton of sports fans, some political messages, shoutouts, messages of love and thanks, pop culture references, and sometimes a mixture (Like when someone asked Hannah Montana to marry them).
Learning: What I got from this also was a good feel of the views of the audience. This was a great way to poll interests. I can tell you that the crowd did not like the Jonas Brothers, did like Obama, most had seen Dark Knight (b/c of all the references to Heath Ledger), they were up on current pop news (the RIP Bernie Mac texts), and they love seeing their names on a big screen. Here were some of my favorite big screen entries:
My fav, but I think Heath Ledger and Bernie Mac got more applause. Definitely Linkin Park got more :(
That made me think of Lisa :)
That last one got a lot of boos.

A Key... Value

One of the keys within singles ministry, like with every ministry, is value. Does your church value singles? Do the singles know it?

Singles should not be siloed off from the rest of the church or seen as incomplete people. To say that there is something wrong with singles... is to say there was something wrong with Jesus. Jesus was single. Almost all of his disciples were single. Paul was single and recommended it.

This value must come from the top. For example: How many sermon illustrations have you heard about the pastor's wife and/or kids? Those are valuable, but have you ever thought how a single with no children who deeply longs for marriage would relate to those?

Here is one thing we did at Saddleback to show singles how they are valued and needed within the church body.



Do you have any ideas? What have you done at your church? I am sure this topic will come up again :)

The Quiet Simple Life

Originally posted on 4/16/08 at Cello Girl Talks:

It seems for a while I have been living the "quiet simple life". I have a group of friends I hung out with, a small group I see weekly, some weekends I volunteer at church, then others I just set a relaxed schedule usually by myself just not bothering anyone or causing wakes in the pond.

Some transitions happened in my life that moved friends away or me away from friends (how every you look at it). In this I have found myself doing more alone and being ok with it.

Last Friday night I was invited to hang out with some girls and watch a movie. I had seen this movie several times in the week before, but I went to see it again. It was so much fun. I had forgotten the joy of watching a movie with friends. How sad it that?!

Then tonight after the Jadon Lavik concert I went out with a bunch of folks from EPIC (our post-college ministry). Again... I had forgotten how much fun it is to go out and eat with a group of friends.

I realized that I have been so worried about burdening people with my presence, that I had forgotten what joy can come from sharing experiences with friends. How could I have gone so far that I forgot this?!

Is this common in the single life? Or is this a me thing?

Singles Ministry Through a Child's Eyes

Orginally posted on 4/25/08 at Cello Girl Talks:

Last night I was driving home from dinner with Marti and we got on the topic of singles ministry... SHOCKER, I know. :) We were talking about how churches could do a better job reaching singles. Sometimes the focus is so much on families, but it seems like the stastics are changing. People are getting married older and more marriages are ending in divcore. With the singles community and single parent community growing and hurting, why is that more churches are not jumping in and giving singles a place to land. A place that focuses on bringing them to health, first in their relationship with God, so that they can be in healthy community. We wondered if there was anything more we could do to help.

In the course of the conversation I started remembering back to a church I went to as a child. At the end of Sunday School row there was this one room. It was in the far corner of the building. I would have to pass it to get over to the other building where my youth group met. This room was always dark and the people were not smiling. I couldn't see why anyone would want to go to that Sunday School class. I remember asking once and was told "that is where people go if they are divorced". I remember a couple of other ladies being a part of my life as a child who were in their 20s or 30s and not married, but they were always teaching a youth or children's Sunday School. They would not go to that class. They seemed to always be giving, but never got and have since left the church.

Those were my observations as a child, but I wonder how true they would still be today in so many churches. I have a feeling many places are still that same way, but I don't know for sure. I hope to continue encouraging churches to reach out to the singles community in their area.

Just fyi... I totally agree that we should teach and build healthy families in churches. I do not think it is an either/or situation... instead it is a both/and situation. Singles are a family unit... they are just a family of one. With that comes different needs and it must not be ignored or looked over.