Showing posts with label the single life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the single life. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Singing in the Bathtub
As a little girl I remember not wanting to take baths. I do not remember the reason for this. I can only assume that I had better things to do with my time. Maybe the thought of getting into the water was scary, for some reason. I just didn't want to do it.
I do not remember what actually got in me in the tub. It may have been my parents or maybe I just gave in. What I do remember best about tub memories other than the fact that I didn't want to take the bath... was how much fun I had once I was in the bath. I would sing and sing and sing. My fingers would get prunie, but I didn't mind. My parents minded that I was in the tub for 30 minutes and still dirty from the water line up, but I was just happy being where I was. Eventually I was forced to actually wash up and get out... Sad that my tub time was over, but dreading the next time it came around.
I don't know why this memory came back to me over the weekend, but I can guess. This weekend I was sick. Not like can't move, call 911 sick, but more achy, churny, not hungry sick. Enough to keep me in my bed and apartment all weekend. As I woke up Monday morning I was feeling a little bit better, but more than anything I wanted fellowship. So often I treat fellowship like I treated bath time as a child.
I know I need fellowship, but I dread going into it. I have fears and doubts, just the prospect seems overwhelming and forced. But... when I am in the midst of it, true fellowship, I don't want it to end. Eventually it must. Then when it is over I can reflect on what a wonderful time I had, but still be dreading the next round.
Why is that?? What is it in me that cannot just let go and embrace those times?
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Speaking on Lonliness
I have been asked to be the final speaker/facilitator for our post-college retreat this coming weekend. The retreat theme is "Good Relationship are No Accident". We have a star studded cast of speakers on Friday night and Saturday, then I get to wrap it up on Sunday. I am greatly humbled by this opportunity. Though most of my time has been outlined for me by my boss, I do have some opening moments for thoughts and a closing wrap-up. Since the whole weekend is about relationships I just keep thinking about what stops us from having them and what makes us disappointed in them once we do. My thoughts again and again go towards the grip loneliness has on people. How God hates for people to be alone. He created us for community. Though... you can still be lonely in community. In Blue Like Jazz (Clayton if you are reading this post, yes I still have your copy and will mail it to you eventually) there is a moment where one of Don Miller's friend is opening up to him about his marriage... about how even in marriage where he is best known to any other human being, there is still something missing that only God can fill.
"I'm saying there is stuff I can't tell her, not because I don't want to, but because there aren't words. It's like we are separate people and there is no getting inside each other to read each other's thoughts, each other's beings. Marriage is amazing because it is the most beautiful thing I have ever dreamed of, Don, but it isn't everything. It isn't Mecca. Danielle loves everything about me; she accepts me and tolerates me and encourages me. She knows me better than anybody else in the world, but she doesn't know all of me, and I don't know all of her. And I never thought after I got married there would still e something lacking. I always thought marriage, especially after I first met Danielle, would be the ultimate fulfillment. It is great, don't get me wrong, and I am glad I married Danielle, and I will be with her forever. But there are places in our lives that only God can go." (Blue Like Jazz pg. 146)
So many people (like myself) fear intimacy. Instead we shrink into loneliness. There is a false perception of safety there. God is love. Without loving and being loved... how can we truly know God? If we say we are His followers and want to do His will... we have to step through fear, and love. When we fill unloved, rejected, or abandoned... that is not from God. When we are not loving, reject, or abandon... that is us going against the will of God.
Please pray as I continue to process these thoughts. After I share we will go into a time of confession and communion. I pray that God will continue to shape my thoughts so that I can speak in love and those who come will leave with their love tanks overflowing.
"I'm saying there is stuff I can't tell her, not because I don't want to, but because there aren't words. It's like we are separate people and there is no getting inside each other to read each other's thoughts, each other's beings. Marriage is amazing because it is the most beautiful thing I have ever dreamed of, Don, but it isn't everything. It isn't Mecca. Danielle loves everything about me; she accepts me and tolerates me and encourages me. She knows me better than anybody else in the world, but she doesn't know all of me, and I don't know all of her. And I never thought after I got married there would still e something lacking. I always thought marriage, especially after I first met Danielle, would be the ultimate fulfillment. It is great, don't get me wrong, and I am glad I married Danielle, and I will be with her forever. But there are places in our lives that only God can go." (Blue Like Jazz pg. 146)
So many people (like myself) fear intimacy. Instead we shrink into loneliness. There is a false perception of safety there. God is love. Without loving and being loved... how can we truly know God? If we say we are His followers and want to do His will... we have to step through fear, and love. When we fill unloved, rejected, or abandoned... that is not from God. When we are not loving, reject, or abandon... that is us going against the will of God.
Please pray as I continue to process these thoughts. After I share we will go into a time of confession and communion. I pray that God will continue to shape my thoughts so that I can speak in love and those who come will leave with their love tanks overflowing.
Friday, August 8, 2008
A Single's Prayer
Orginally posted on 11/7/07 on Cello Girl Talks:
Oh Lord,
I know that my worries will not improve my circumstances.
I know my current pains, will not be my forever pains.
I know You cry harder than I do.
I know Your plans are far grander than my dreams.
I know You "get it" when others don't.
I know You can put words to my sobs.
I know You are always faithful even when I am not to You.
I know all of this... and tons more.
Yet, why can I not feel it?
Why do I just feel so empty?
Why do I just feel so hopeless?
What can I do to bridge that gap between my head and heart?
Can I do anything?
Show me, Lord. Teach me, Lord.
I know You are the answer, but what part of You?
The Caring Father?
The Loving Husband?
The Faithful Friend?
The Just and Merciful Judge?
The Watchful Shepherd?
Which One will break through that barrier and connect with me now.
How can I embrace all of You, and give You all of me at the same time?
I guess I just have to do it.
I do!
I do, Father.
I do, Husband.
I do, Friend.
I do, Judge.
I do, Shepherd.
I do, God.
Whatever it is, I do.
I just want my head and heart to match.
So, whatever it is, I do.
Amen
Oh Lord,
I know that my worries will not improve my circumstances.
I know my current pains, will not be my forever pains.
I know You cry harder than I do.
I know Your plans are far grander than my dreams.
I know You "get it" when others don't.
I know You can put words to my sobs.
I know You are always faithful even when I am not to You.
I know all of this... and tons more.
Yet, why can I not feel it?
Why do I just feel so empty?
Why do I just feel so hopeless?
What can I do to bridge that gap between my head and heart?
Can I do anything?
Show me, Lord. Teach me, Lord.
I know You are the answer, but what part of You?
The Caring Father?
The Loving Husband?
The Faithful Friend?
The Just and Merciful Judge?
The Watchful Shepherd?
Which One will break through that barrier and connect with me now.
How can I embrace all of You, and give You all of me at the same time?
I guess I just have to do it.
I do!
I do, Father.
I do, Husband.
I do, Friend.
I do, Judge.
I do, Shepherd.
I do, God.
Whatever it is, I do.
I just want my head and heart to match.
So, whatever it is, I do.
Amen
Friendships... Are we true?
Originally posted on 4/13/08 on Cello Girl Talks:
As a single woman I feel as though I have a lot of "friends". Some of course closer than others. A couple of weeks ago I sent out an email to a bunch of my closest friends and co-workers asking for prayer for my mom. I mentioned that she was really sick, and I was really worried. This seems a normal thing to do. When trouble hits, I always want prayer to be a first reaction.
A couple of people who I have known for only a short amount of time contacted me, prayed with me, and followed up about my mother's condition. Those who saw me in tears gathered and briefly prayed with me while I was fasting and praying for my mother before her doctor's visit. Those were amazing times where I felt the hand of God speaking through my friends.
But, I was actually shock and disappointed at the reactions I did not receive from this email. There were many others who did not reply at all. No questions about what was wrong with her, no follow up as to how she is, and no "Tina are you ok?" I cannot lie, that hurt. Some who I saw as my close friends left me in this hour of need. Still worse were the couple of people who glossed over it, and in the same reply turned and asked me for something they needed from me.
I use this example as an instance in my life of not feeling loved and supported by some of my friends, but... I am more often on the other side of this circumstance. I admit... I am often a bad friend.
I think being single and the fact that my life decisions and daily activities only center around me makes me so selfish. (note: I not saying that all singles are selfish or that it is not possible to be married and selfish... just see this as a pattern in my life.) I know that with me it is so often out of sight out of mind. This is the sin I struggle the most with: being self-centered. I see emails come through from friends and prayer requests. I try to type out an email prayer or short response, but I rarely follow up with them later. Even from small group to small group, I forget the requests of the other members. It is true that caring is in the details. Good friends remember stuff about each other and look out for one another. I have some friends that I can tell you what they don't like on their sandwhich, but when it comes to their parent's name, I draw a blank.
How can I improve? Here are some steps I would like to take to be a better friend in future.
1. When I get a prayer request, set an outlook reminder to ask how the situation is in a few days or afterwards (if it is something like surgery)
2. Ask more questions... even take notes if I have to to better remember the details
3. Pray more for my friends... journal prayers and write down their names
4. Be more vocal of my expectations from communication, if I want people to follow up or pray with me, or check on me... put that in there instead of assuming people will do it
Those are just some first steps... I know the change really must happen in my heart and habits, in that order. As Jesus says,
John 15:13
Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.
I do not write this for any friends who I emailed that did not respond to feel guilty, but to show how that hurt opened my eyes and that I would like to ask forgiveness for my hurting you in the same way in the past. I do not lay down my life for you, instead I so often let it get in the way.
As a single woman I feel as though I have a lot of "friends". Some of course closer than others. A couple of weeks ago I sent out an email to a bunch of my closest friends and co-workers asking for prayer for my mom. I mentioned that she was really sick, and I was really worried. This seems a normal thing to do. When trouble hits, I always want prayer to be a first reaction.
A couple of people who I have known for only a short amount of time contacted me, prayed with me, and followed up about my mother's condition. Those who saw me in tears gathered and briefly prayed with me while I was fasting and praying for my mother before her doctor's visit. Those were amazing times where I felt the hand of God speaking through my friends.
But, I was actually shock and disappointed at the reactions I did not receive from this email. There were many others who did not reply at all. No questions about what was wrong with her, no follow up as to how she is, and no "Tina are you ok?" I cannot lie, that hurt. Some who I saw as my close friends left me in this hour of need. Still worse were the couple of people who glossed over it, and in the same reply turned and asked me for something they needed from me.
I use this example as an instance in my life of not feeling loved and supported by some of my friends, but... I am more often on the other side of this circumstance. I admit... I am often a bad friend.
I think being single and the fact that my life decisions and daily activities only center around me makes me so selfish. (note: I not saying that all singles are selfish or that it is not possible to be married and selfish... just see this as a pattern in my life.) I know that with me it is so often out of sight out of mind. This is the sin I struggle the most with: being self-centered. I see emails come through from friends and prayer requests. I try to type out an email prayer or short response, but I rarely follow up with them later. Even from small group to small group, I forget the requests of the other members. It is true that caring is in the details. Good friends remember stuff about each other and look out for one another. I have some friends that I can tell you what they don't like on their sandwhich, but when it comes to their parent's name, I draw a blank.
How can I improve? Here are some steps I would like to take to be a better friend in future.
1. When I get a prayer request, set an outlook reminder to ask how the situation is in a few days or afterwards (if it is something like surgery)
2. Ask more questions... even take notes if I have to to better remember the details
3. Pray more for my friends... journal prayers and write down their names
4. Be more vocal of my expectations from communication, if I want people to follow up or pray with me, or check on me... put that in there instead of assuming people will do it
Those are just some first steps... I know the change really must happen in my heart and habits, in that order. As Jesus says,
John 15:13
Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.
I do not write this for any friends who I emailed that did not respond to feel guilty, but to show how that hurt opened my eyes and that I would like to ask forgiveness for my hurting you in the same way in the past. I do not lay down my life for you, instead I so often let it get in the way.
The Quiet Simple Life
Originally posted on 4/16/08 at Cello Girl Talks:
It seems for a while I have been living the "quiet simple life". I have a group of friends I hung out with, a small group I see weekly, some weekends I volunteer at church, then others I just set a relaxed schedule usually by myself just not bothering anyone or causing wakes in the pond.
Some transitions happened in my life that moved friends away or me away from friends (how every you look at it). In this I have found myself doing more alone and being ok with it.
Last Friday night I was invited to hang out with some girls and watch a movie. I had seen this movie several times in the week before, but I went to see it again. It was so much fun. I had forgotten the joy of watching a movie with friends. How sad it that?!
Then tonight after the Jadon Lavik concert I went out with a bunch of folks from EPIC (our post-college ministry). Again... I had forgotten how much fun it is to go out and eat with a group of friends.
I realized that I have been so worried about burdening people with my presence, that I had forgotten what joy can come from sharing experiences with friends. How could I have gone so far that I forgot this?!
Is this common in the single life? Or is this a me thing?
It seems for a while I have been living the "quiet simple life". I have a group of friends I hung out with, a small group I see weekly, some weekends I volunteer at church, then others I just set a relaxed schedule usually by myself just not bothering anyone or causing wakes in the pond.
Some transitions happened in my life that moved friends away or me away from friends (how every you look at it). In this I have found myself doing more alone and being ok with it.
Last Friday night I was invited to hang out with some girls and watch a movie. I had seen this movie several times in the week before, but I went to see it again. It was so much fun. I had forgotten the joy of watching a movie with friends. How sad it that?!
Then tonight after the Jadon Lavik concert I went out with a bunch of folks from EPIC (our post-college ministry). Again... I had forgotten how much fun it is to go out and eat with a group of friends.
I realized that I have been so worried about burdening people with my presence, that I had forgotten what joy can come from sharing experiences with friends. How could I have gone so far that I forgot this?!
Is this common in the single life? Or is this a me thing?
Thursday, August 7, 2008
The Good Girl: A nun in street clothes
Originally posted on Cello Girl Talks on June 30, 2007:
From the author who brought you the opening chapters of "The Elephant's Ready... Let's get eating!" and the Famous Nuggets of Truth blog column now comes the opening ideas for her new book attempt: "The Good Girl".
Excerpt:
It seems like I have been a good girl all my life: a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good employee, a good boss, a good Christian, a good girl. I hope to add to that list one day a good girlfriend, a good wife, and a good mother. As I think about it though I feel like a nun in street clothes, without the career stability. Do not get me wrong, I am not saying I am perfect, I am far from it. I have been bad on occasion, but overall I have toed the line.
The question I have to ask myself, is why have I been so good? It is because I was never presented some of the opportunities that caused others to be "bad"? I have never been offered illegal drugs. I have never had a boyfriend or guy ask to have sex with me. No one has even offered me a cigarette. People just all knew I was good and would say no. So though I cannot see the nuns clothing, I guess they can.
From the author who brought you the opening chapters of "The Elephant's Ready... Let's get eating!" and the Famous Nuggets of Truth blog column now comes the opening ideas for her new book attempt: "The Good Girl".
Excerpt:
It seems like I have been a good girl all my life: a good daughter, a good sister, a good friend, a good employee, a good boss, a good Christian, a good girl. I hope to add to that list one day a good girlfriend, a good wife, and a good mother. As I think about it though I feel like a nun in street clothes, without the career stability. Do not get me wrong, I am not saying I am perfect, I am far from it. I have been bad on occasion, but overall I have toed the line.
The question I have to ask myself, is why have I been so good? It is because I was never presented some of the opportunities that caused others to be "bad"? I have never been offered illegal drugs. I have never had a boyfriend or guy ask to have sex with me. No one has even offered me a cigarette. People just all knew I was good and would say no. So though I cannot see the nuns clothing, I guess they can.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
